i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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