yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
