Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
