He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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