So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
