I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
