Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
