my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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