If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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