wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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