My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
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