dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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