mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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