I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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