She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
