Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
