yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Randomize
