who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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