a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
