Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
