I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
