Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
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