This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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