it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
