So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
soo... how was my night?
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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