Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
