she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Randomize
