Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
