im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
