I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
