I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I am spending my child support on dildos
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
