Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
