Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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