I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
