I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
How external is "for external use only"?
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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