Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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