he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
