he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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