I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
