I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Randomize
