I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Are we still banned from the library?
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
