I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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