Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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