I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
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