I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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