All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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