I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
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