Will you blow on my dice?
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
