When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
And then he peed in my hair
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