...so i touched it.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Randomize
