We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
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