How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
