Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
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