I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
